It’s All About You

It’s all you.  What you think, what you do, how you react.  When it comes down to it this whole marriage is all you.

How crazy is that?  If you’ve been in the church a long time you’ve seen the acronym for JOY, Jesus, Others, Yourself.  Which means Jesus is number one in our lives.  He should always have first place. Then we should regard the needs of others and serve them.  Finally we come up.  End of the line, last on the list.  The Lord Himself made it quite clear:

But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant” – Mathew 20:26

See, you’re the servant.  You aren’t first, you’re last.  Congratulations on your demotion. In all relationships you are not the focus…but you carry the spotlight.

Years ago I was employed at a university.  Part of my job was to work at concerts and other events.  Projection, camera, riding the lift WAY up to hang cables and lights.  I got the lift job during set up almost every time.  Why?  I have no fear of heights.  Well, that’s not 100% true.  I have a minor (healthy) discomfort with heights, but it’s manageable.  Plus I just love the thrill of being up high doing my part.

During the events I was almost always in one of two places, running a camera or controlling a spotlight.  I wasn’t the star.  That would be Jacki Velasquez or Mark Lowry (yes I met them both and yes they are genuinely nice people).  Nope, I wasn’t the star…but without me the star didn’t shine.  My act of service was behind the scenes, but the results were apparent to everyone around.  Even though they didn’t know it was me.

What happens in your marriage is not all about you, but it may all hinge on you.  It only takes one person to destroy a relationship by bringing in the darkness of negativity.  You have the power to turn off the light.  It only takes one person to improve a relationship.  You want a better marriage?  Carry the spotlight.  Let it shine on your wife.  Turn the camera on and give her center stage.  Not the focus of the relationship, that’s the place of the Lord, but make sure you’re not trying to take the number 2 spot.

Let’s wrap this up.  Shining the spotlight on myself will only blind me to her needs.  Putting her in the light will give me the joy of serving her by seeing her needs more than my wants.  What is the result of putting her before you?

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full–pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” – Luke 6:38

One final thought.  You can’t do everything, but it takes just one person to improve a marriage…you.

Now go light up you marriage!



  • David Mike

    Once again, you shed some light on how to have a great marriage. Do you mentor couples? Great post!

    • Troy Stoneking

      Thank you David. We have mentored couples in the past but are not right now. We would definitely like to get back into that. Any thoughts on getting started? We worked through a program at a university before.

      • David Mike

        Was thinking a program in church for newly married couples.

        • Troy Stoneking

          Good call. We are at a young church plant (just over a year old) and are getting ready to ramp up small groups.

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