When our kids were little it seemed like we had all the time in the world with them. but they aren’t little anymore, one is out of the house and the other is in school and about to be married. The time flew by and we didn’t really realize we had just One Shot.

Photo By Alice Popkorn via StockPholio.com

Welcome to Life

Welcome to life. You and I are here on this planet for a limited time, then we go into eternity with those that have passed on before. According to my belief system some will go to spend eternity with God and some will not. But everyone has the choice to be with God for eternity. Those who don’t made the choice to not do so, it’s as simple as that.

“If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
-Romans 10:9

Not a Sermon

This post is not a sermon about religion or Christianity, but if you’d like to talk I’ll be happy to communicate with you one on one. Never forget that what you do in this life controls what happens in the next.

One Shot

In your marriage you have One Shot. It doesn’t matter if this is your first marriage, second, third or more. You still only have One Shot. Now, I know that angry words, infidelities and mistreatment can all be forgiven. If you are married to a person who has a heart of grace the relationship can be restored. But there will come a point where it ends.

The End

The ability to be forgiven by your spouse ends with either death or divorce.The ability to be forgiven by your spouse ends with either death or divorce. Click To Tweet As we know divorce should never be an option. In fact the vast majority of marriages don’t end in divorce. But one way or another all marriages end. Just like your children will eventually be grown and out of the house, so will your marriage eventually be over. You only have One Shot.

One Shot for What?

You have One Shot to keep the promises you made at the wedding ceremony, you have One Shot to be the best possible husband or wife to your spouse, you have One Shot to give her or him the life they deserve. Is forgiveness available? Yes, but only until the marriage ends. You and I have no idea when one we will leave this life. Which means you and I have no idea when we have had our Last Chance to make the most of our marriage.

Don’t Wait

Don’t wait until the kids are grown to spend quality time with your spouse. Don’t wait until things slow down at work to take her one a vacation with just the two of you. Don’t wait to start showing her more love and affection. Don’t wait to read the book or listen to the podcast or go to the marriage retreat to make your marriage amazing. Don't wait to do whatever you can to make the most of your marriage for your spouse. Click To Tweet

You only have One Shot…then it’s over.

Don’t Wait.

Love you all!

-Troy

Several years ago Sally and I ran a volleyball league at a large church. We had eight teams in the league and did our best to make sure there was a good distribution of players of varying skill levels on each team. But when it came down to game night it was all about the team banding together to win the set.

Photo By Jens karlsson via StockPholio.com

The Problem

One of the saddest things is to watch a marriage break apart. For Christian couples we know why they get divorced, but no matter whether they are Christian or not there is a sure sign that things are not going well. The sign is this: they stop playing for the same team.

The Team

In a family the most critical relationship (after the individual relationships with God) is the marriage relationship. It’s not the relationship with the children, although that is VERY important, it is the husband-wife dynamic. The two of us need to make sure we are always playing for the same team.

What Does This Mean?

Playing for the same team means we always have each others back. We never side with others against our spouse, we don’t correct them in front of other people (especially the children) and we put our spouses needs above our own. It’s pretty clear when two people are no longer playing for the same team. Complaining, back biting, always doing what I want, regularly choosing time with others over time together are all symptoms of this issue.

The Final Result

Playing for different teams, which really means playing on your team of one has dire consequences. It will leave your spouse feeling lonely and rejected. A sense of inadequacy and or depression are common. People in this situation will sometimes seek love outside the marriage. It’s starts out small, a critical word in front of friends, a constant nagging about something someone did wrong, slow emotional detachment. This path frequently leads to the end of a marriage.

“If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”
-Galatians 5:15 (NIV)

The Good News!

The good news is that you can get back on the same team! It takes time and effort, but is very worth it. Interestingly getting back on the same team isn’t necessarily about grand gestures or huge immediate relationship renewal. In the same way the small bad things over time damaged the relationship, small good things over time can heal the relationship. Small bad things over time damage relationships, small good things over time heal relationships. Click To Tweet

Play for the Home Team

“Faithful love and truth will join together; righteousness and peace will embrace.”
-Psalm 85:10 (HCSB)

You only have one spouse. She (or he) married you with the understanding that you would build a life together. Your spouse married you with the understanding that you would build a life together. TOGETHER! Click To TweetPlaying for your own team breaks the covenant you made the day you were married. Here is my challenge to you. Look at your conversations, actions and most importantly attitudes over the last few weeks. Have they been 100% supportive of your spouse? If you had any differences of opinion did you share your thoughts in a loving way or a condescending way? If what you discover shows evidence of playing solo and not for the home team then it’s time to make a change. Get back in the game! Love your wife or husband! Have their back and never give them a reason to doubt your care for and belief in them.

You can do it!

Love you all!

-Troy

Photo By StockPholio.com

One of the things that many couples wonder is, “What does it take to be happily married…til death do us part?” It’s really not enough to just stay married, because lots of couples stay married, but what does it take to not only stay married, but ENJOY staying married to the same person for decades?

A Caveat

I know that some folks will look at my “4 Essentials” and raise all kinds of concerns about things that are missing. I am not saying these are the only things needed for a long-term joyful marriage, but I am saying without these 4 a marriage won’t be what it could and should.

1. A Personal Relationship with God

I know couples who are not Christians but have been married a long time. I also know those marriages live on the individual strength of each person. This is a very dangerous place. We can go on our own strength for a time, but when things begin to unravel you’ll need Someone to lean on. Your spouse will be a person to lean on at times, but what about when you are both down? If you both hit bottom at the same time and God is not at the core of each of you individually it is far too easy to lash out and walk away. Your spouse must be the love of your life, but not your first love.

2. A Commitment to Stay Married for Life

Recently I heard Andy Andrews say on a podcast, “If you haven’t completely closed the door on considering divorce in your life then your subconscious will always be looking to see if it’s time to walk out.” We have talked in the past about Why Christian Couples Get Divorced, but this is different. There are VERY few commitments you will likely make that are for life and for far too many people, sadly, marriage doesn’t make the list. Oh, it wedding vows they will say, “til death do us part” and perhaps in that moment they believe it. But the strongest couples have made the commitment to stay married for life…when they are NOT in the middle of an emotional event.  The commitment to stay married for life is a conscious decision of the mind, not the heart.

3. Deciding to Joyfully Serve Your Spouse

Many couples have difficulty with one or both of the first two essentials, but the couples that DO stay together still may not have a lot of joy in their relationship. This essential, deciding to joyfully serve your spouse, is one that doesn’t even come to mind for many couples. First of all, we are called to serve each other:

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” – 1 Peter 4:10

But it’s not enough to serve. I can serve someone out of a sense of obligation and I will likely eventually resent that person. But if I choose to serve with joy then it will be a privilege to meet their needs. As we spend more time in God’s Presence (see Essential number 1) then He will fill our hearts with joy to serve.

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” – 1 Peter 1:8-9

4. Being Best Friends

This one should be obvious, but all too often it’s not the case. I want to make something fairly clear here. I’m not talking about just saying “my wife is my best friend” or “my husband is my best friend” because you know that is what people expect to hear. I’m talking about living your life in such a way that anyone looking from the outside KNOWS you are best friends. Live your life in such a way that anyone looking from the outside KNOWS you are best friends. Click To TweetWhat do best friends do? They have fun and enjoy spending lots of time together, they go out to events together, they laugh and cry together, they share secrets with each other and they are fiercely loyal to one another! Of course your husband or wife is so much more than a best friend, but they must also be your best friend for a truly joy filled marriage.

So, those are four of my Essentials for a Life-Long Joyful Marriage.  What are your thoughts? Did I miss some important others? Do you have thoughts on these? Drop a comment below!

Love you all!

-Troy

Welcome back! Ready for some GREAT resources that you may not have seen?

As you know I am BIG into personal growth. One of the best ways to grow yourself is to listen to people who are where you want to be.  On that note today we are covering my top 5 favorite podcasts!

Just an FYI I don’t always agree 100% with everything on every podcast I hear, but I my “agreement rate” is VERY high for the ones on this list.

A Little Background

For those of you not familiar with what a podcast is let me give a short explanation. A podcast can be thought of as similar to a radio show, but it’s online. Usually new podcasts episodes are posted weekly, although some follow a different schedule. There are thousands of available podcasts. Podcasts can be listened to directly on a computer or on a mobile phone or tablet.

Technical Stuff

There are two primary podcast applications, iTunes and Stitcher. On an iPhone or iPad just look for the Podcasts app:

Or if you are on an Android device download Stitcher from Google Play and you will find a logo like this (you can also download Stitcher to Apple devices):

Back to the List

These are in no particular order.

• The 48 Days Online Radio Show by Dan Miller
  • I honestly just discovered Dan Miller late last year (2014). Dan’s mission is to “help you find work that is meaningful, purposeful, and profitable.” What a great goal! With Dan’s help you can discover your passions and turn them into profit in either your own business or by finding a job that matches up with your values and skills. I started out by reading his fantastic book 48 Days to the Work You Love and am now a devoted fan and subscriber to his podcast. In fact Sally and I are going to Dan’s Coaching with Excellence event later this year to learn more about how to help couples in their marriages!

• Better Conversations on Money and Marriage with Derek and Carrie Olsen
  • Would you like to be entertained? Perhaps while you are learning how to better talk to your spouse about money? Then check out Derek and Carrie. They crack me up AND educate me. Love their podcast…plus at the end of each show they do an after party. They also have a great book available, One Bed, One Bank Account and have a national book tour this summer.

• This is Your Life by Michael Hyatt
  • First of all Michael is an amazing teacher and leader. He gives away tons of free content and is one of the best for helping you reach your goals and dreams. His book Platform is a must have for anyone who wants to get a message out to the world!

• In the Loop with Andy Andrews
  • I have been an Andy Andrews fan for well over 20 years. He is one of a small number of people who has a very broad and wise understanding of most aspects of life. His books are story oriented; great reads and contain very specific instructions for how to be successful and joyful in your life. Like Michael Hyatt Andy gives away a LOT of free resources on his site.

• Confessions of a Terrible Husband by Nick Pavlidis
  • In my own blog I often pit my marriage experience against the “experts.” Well, Nick is an admitted marriage non-expert who does a fantastic job of bringing real-life strategies to his audience. He has great interviews as well as powerful solo episodes. Not to mention he has a new book coming out AND a highly rated other podcast with his kids at Five Minutes with Dad.

Although some of these podcasters may be are Christians that is not the primary focus of their shows.  I have another list of my favorite Christian podcasts that I am considering posting in the future.

I have a question for you. What are some of YOUR favorite podcasts? Post them in the comments below so that we can all find more great content!

Thanks!

-Troy

Credit Freeimages.com

Recently my lovely bride and I were discussing marriage coaching different types of couples and she made an interesting statement. “Not everyone will have our personalities.”

The Issue

When you first get married you will still be in the limerance stage. (If that term isn’t familiar to you check out our post What is Love Anyway.) So for many couples the first few months to 2 years will be the “honeymoon” period. Everyone is perfect; we love everything about each other, etc. But soon enough limerance wears off and it’s back to normal behavior. Which means our personalities rear their (sometimes) ugly heads.

The Question

When Sally made the statement, “Not everyone will have our personalities” what I heard was a question. The question was Is your personality a factor in whether you can have an amazing marriage? Click To Tweet The answer to that question is a definitive “Yes and No”. See? All clear? Class dismissed. 😉

The Yes Part

Your attitudes and actions will be factors in whether you will have an amazing marriage. But your personality will not be a factor in whether you can have an amazing marriage. I’m going to state this unequivocally. Any couple can have an amazing marriage. Any couple. But not every couple does. Click To Tweet Some couple use the “personality excuse” for why their marriage isn’t great. Occasionally the personality excuse is self-directed, “I’m just not cut out for marriage” or “I can’t handle this lifetime commitment.” But more often the personality excuse is based on the other person’s personality. “If he would just pay more attention to me” or “If she wasn’t such a nag.” I’m sure you can come up with many more examples.

The No Part

Your personality is not a factor in whether you can have a happy marriage. Click To Tweet  However what you decide to do (or not do) or say (or not say) will make a HUGE difference in whether or not you have a happy marriage. Sally know a couple who when they were first married had VERY forceful discussions.  Both were firstborn and had high Type A personalities. But now they’ve been married over 20 years and have (at last count) 10 children. Looks like their personalities didn’t affect the happiness of their marriage.

The Crux

One factor that makes a difference between couples that have a happy marriage and those that don’t is fairly simple. Happy couples don’t let their personalities get in the way of their happiness. Click To Tweet If I am honest with myself I know exactly which of my personality traits is unhealthy for my marriage. Once I know where the problem lies I can work on fixing it. Perhaps through books, seminars or counseling, but it can be fixed.

God makes no allowance for personalities in relation to a relationship with Him or others, so we should not use our personalities as excuses for having a less than happy marriage.

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

-Luke 10:27

Love you all!

-Troy