My wife is 5 feet tall. Not 5’9”, 5’7”, 5’5” or even 5’3”. She is 5 feet even. When we stand she fits perfectly under my chin. I have bench pressed more than her weight. She is beautiful, sweet, kind and loving…and small. I love her size, it fits her perfectly.

You Wouldn’t Think

With the above description you would never think I could fear her. Not that she isn’t strong; she works out and has some significant muscle mass. But there are times when I have fear related to her. Not physical fear but fear just the same.

The Story

Recently I’ve been reading Dan Miller’s book 48 Days to the Work You Love. It is a great way to learn how to find work that is fulfilling and matches up with your passions and skills. I’ve learned very much and have begun listening to Dan’s podcast. It is filled with success stories of people who have found work they love as well as answers to questions for those still looking.

If you were reading this blog back in September of 2014 you know that my lovely bride and I went on a personal focus retreat with a small group from our church. One big take away from that retreat was that marriage coaching is an area that I need to move into. Since then we have done marriage mentoring certification with a Les and Leslie Parrott program and it was great! But we haven’t really done much on the coaching side.

What I Want to Do

The podcast and website for Dan Miller both referred to a live event called, “Coaching with Excellence”. It is two days of intensive coaching training with experts and about 40 other people from around the world. Do you know it is just south of Nashville, Tennessee in a beautiful country area inside of a converted barn called “The Sanctuary”? Plus it’s in late May, a perfect time to be in Tennessee. Not to mention the fact that we could stay a couple of extra days and celebrate our anniversary there. Are you waiting for the catch? Here it is: after everything the total cost will be a significant amount of money.

The Reason for My Fear

I KNOW we don’t just have that extra money lying around. But I firmly believe that long term the money will be an investment to help many other couples have amazing marriages. In addition I know that by serving others in this way and honoring His gift in our marriage by sharing it that God will bless us. However I was afraid to talk to Sally. She works hard to keep our financial house in order and does a fantastic job! I didn’t want to cause her difficulty and I knew we had a budget. So the fear was simply about doing something that would throw us off balance and make it harder on her.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go.”

-Joshua 1:9

The Conversation

I danced around the issue for some time. Then we were both given free access to a recording of a conference call that explained more about the live event. It was very compelling to me. I could hear the Lord speaking through that recording that we needed to go to the event. So in the evening I asked if she had a chance to listen to the recording and she had. I then told her I thought we needed to go. Do you know what she said? She told me where to get the money to pay for it. She was all in! In fact she started working on the pre-event packet even before I did.  It was so cool. Clearly God was in this.

What Cured the Fear?

Do you know what cured the fear? Belief. Just belief. I believed that it was going to help others, it would help us and it would honor God. We need to all remember how we grow as people. Our beliefs determine our actions and our actions determine our results. If your beliefs are strong enough then you can’t hold back!

The Wrap Up

I think there are three important points to take from this experience:

1. Sometimes you will feel fear when you need to talk to your spouse.
2. The strength of your beliefs will allow you to overcome the fear.
3. The conversation will almost never turn out the way you fear.

So the next time you strongly believe that something needs to be changed or you feel God calling you into an area I’ll give you a suggestion. Just start the conversation immediately.

“Fear feeds on time.”

-Grant Cardone in The 10X Rule.

Your spouse loves you and wants the best for you and your family. So jump in and talk…perhaps you will change the future of many people!

Love you all!

-Troy

I want you to think back to when you first met the woman who would become your wife. What did you notice? A beautiful smile? An alluring figure? Eyes filled with kindness? An irresistible laugh? Perhaps more than one of the above.

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

-Proverbs 5:18

Beauty is Not in the Eye

One of the challenges of being a man is seeing beyond the looks of another person. We are by default drawn to physical beauty. It is in fact highly likely that one of the primary reasons you asked your wife-to-be on your first date…because she caught your eye. There are many beautiful women in the world and you are married to one. It doesn’t matter whether she is 19 or 99, she is a beautiful person. It’s not what you see with your eye that matters, it’s what you know in your heart to be true.

Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
-Proverbs 31:30

A Reputation…and a T-Shirt

I have a reputation with Sally’s family in Michigan. You see I frequently refer to my lovely bride as “hot”. A few years ago we were gathered together at their cottage near Kalkaska, MI (if you are ever looking for the cottage I believe it is right next to Heaven) exchanging early Christmas gifts over Thanksgiving weekend. When I opened my present I laughed out loud! It was a t-shirt that said,”I Love My Hot Wife”. But that wasn’t the end. When Sally opened her gift it was also a t-shirt, that said “I’m Troy’s Hot Wife.” Too funny!

Where True Beauty Lives

My wife IS a beautiful woman. She works hard every day with her eating habits and regular exercise to maintain the amazing body that the Lord has given her for this life. But true beauty isn’t in a lovely face or a stellar figure. True beauty lives in the spirit of a person. As most of you know I am a firm believer in good health and maintaining the physical strength that the Lord has given you for as long as possible. But a person is so much more than the body they inhabit. Every person is a child of the Most High King.

The Love of Your Life

Your wife is not her body, but her body is important to you and to her. You need to love her as a whole person, body, soul and spirit. Tell her how beautiful she is, compliment her on her love for others, encourage her as she volunteers her time for service. Never let a change in a person’s physical health or appearance keep you from finding the beauty inside. We are all spiritual beings living in physical shells. It is critically important to care for the whole person. Don’t only pay attention to the body, but love the spirit inside.

Help Her Grow in Beauty

As you and your bride watch the days and months of your marriage turn into years and decades things will change in both of your bodies. You can do many things to improve the process…in fact in our 40s Sally and I are both in MUCH better health and shape than we were in our 20s. But one of the interesting things about aging is this: to the world people lose their beauty as they grow older…but if we spend more time in the Presence of the Lord then as we age we become more and more beautiful in spirit. I challenge you as the spiritual leader in your home to do everything you can to help her grow in beauty, while you do the same.

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
-Proverbs 31:10-12

Love you all!

-Troy

This post is being written on Valentine’s Day. I have to start by saying that I’m not a fan. Not that I don’t like love and romance, but I don’t enjoy the pressure of having a specific day dictated by society for them.

A Typical Valentine’s Day

As you know my lovely bride and I are deeply and wildly in love. But we have never been huge into Valentine’s Day. As a general rule we go out for dinner, get each other nice cards expressing sincere sentiment and exchange some small gifts.

This Year

Interestingly enough this year was different…but only in a single aspect and we both were pleased. We still went out for a meal and I gave her a small gift, while she gave me a few small gifts. But I was so excited to give mine to her because it was attached to a card. But not just any card, I made this card myself. I channeled my inner 3rd grade boy, cut out colored paper hearts, wrote in multiple marker colors and made silly kid-type jokes. Oh, I also taped a plastic spoon to the back (because attached was a gift card to an ice cream shop).

The Kicker

I was excited to be a little kid giving away a handmade card to the girl I love. But here is the REALLY fun part. In the basket with the gifts she gave me was a card…handmade as well! It was decked out with a heart made of half lace and construction paper, had words and phrases from sections cut out of magazine ads and even a picture of flowers. She went all out! I loved it!! (Note that she called the card she made “Stalker Style”…it’s an inside joke J)

The Point

It really doesn’t have to be an expensive proposition to express heartfelt love. I would treasure a card from her own hand much more than one someone else wrote. In addition it showed her individual personality and whimsical style, two things about her that I love greatly. When the occasion arises, whether a holiday or any other precious day with your lady give her a gift. But don’t worry about the cost…only that it is a true gift from your heart.

The Card

The first picture is the front and back, the second picture is the inside. It makes me feel very happy and loved!

Love you all!

-Troy

The following post is an updated version of the second ever post that was published on HappierHusband.com. I think this is a tremendously important topic and so wanted all of our new readers (and the original clan) to get a fresh new look at it!

The Premise

This is going to really annoy a lot of marriage counselors and relationship experts.  I don’t think compromise is healthy in a marriage.  Ah.  At this point YOU are annoyed and thinking, “This guy has lost his mind!”  All of your life you’ve been told that relationships require compromise.  I give a little, you give a little and it’s all good. But in my experience it is NOT all good. If you want a truly happy marriage with little or no resentment then compromise is a no go. Read on…

What is Compromise?

According to Merriam-Webster compromise is: “a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute.”  Sound like how you want to run your marriage?  ”Ok honey, last time I gave up something, now it’s your turn.” or “Someone needs to watch the kids, so I don’t go play softball with the guys this week and next week you don’t get to see your sister.”  Really?  I don’t think so.

Don’t Compromise – Serve

Here is the heart of the issue.  Compromise means what I want is just as important, or more important than what you want.  In a compromise situation no one comes out happy.  Do you want a happy marriage?  Stop compromising and start serving.

Being a servant means the other person’s needs and wants come before your own, whether you like it or not…at first.  Let’s take a look at scripture.  In Matthew 26:39 we find this prayer from Jesus to the Father:

“Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Jesus Didn’t Compromise…True Servants Never Do

Jesus asked the Father more than once to not go to the cross.  He knew what was coming, the pain, rejection, abandonment and finally death.  But He was a Servant.  A servant doesn’t compromise, a servant serves.  A servant does what the Master requires whether he or she likes it or not…at first.  Do you think that when Judas came with the crowd to arrest Jesus that He said, “Ok Father, I’ll take the arrest and the trial, even the whips, but the cross is just too much.  Let’s compromise.”  No, no, a thousand times no!  Jesus served God and us by NOT compromising.

Keeping Your Covenant

Let’s bring this home.  You married a wonderful woman.  You promised something along the lines of, “love honor and cherish.”  Did you promise to compromise?  Nope.  When you marry someone, when you make that covenant, you are saying, in essence, “I choose to serve you.”

You are the man.  According to Paul husbands are “love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”  So stop compromising and start giving yourself up for her.  I promise you will get more back than you EVER would by compromising.

Note: Compromise IS important in some relationships, such as keeping countries from going to war or between political parties, but these relationships are not based on love.  That’s the difference.

Now go love and serve her!

-Troy

On the Happier Husband blog you’ll see a lot of posts about ways to improve your marriages in short amounts of time.  This includes asking one question, listening to your wife, praying together, and spending less than 60 seconds in a hug. Each of these and many other activities that take 5 minutes or less can add great value to your marriage.

The Bad News

You can do everything listed in the posts linked above and still have a failed marriage. In fact you can probably do 60, 70 or even 80% of the things I have blogged about and yet not have the happy marriage you desire. It’s not that these won’t help, they absolutely will IF you don’t miss the critical ingredient.

A True Story

Did you know I used to work in a roller skating rink? No kidding. I started out as a DJ then moved up to floor guard. I skated backward and forward without effort. I could stop on a dime, do 180s and be instantly moving in the opposite direction at a rapid clip. I could shoot the duck, leap over obstacles (including trusting friends who would lie on the floor while I jumped over them), outflank people who were misbehaving, and catch up to and pass pretty much anyone on the floor. Yep, I was a rink rat. But I didn’t start out with those skills. At first I could barely stand well enough to get from one carpet covered column to the next. Then I couldn’t shoot the duck for more then 10-15 seconds. It took weeks to get the hang of skating backwards. Plus I ran into a LOT of walls (and some people) while mastering a dead stop or quick turn at high speed. How did I go from non-skater to skating master? I skated every chance I could. If the rink was open I was there. Hours and hours for weeks on end working on the basics in order to improve. I didn’t try to do the advanced moves right away because I wasn’t ready for them. It was daily effort over time that took me to roller skating glory!

Bridging the Gap

I probably should tie the “Bad News” section together with the bragging about roller skating. Let me explain why doing most of what I write in this blog won’t work without a critical ingredient. A single hug can change how you feel for the moment or perhaps even for a day. Praying with your wife tonight will be good for both your spirits for tonight. Paying attention to and following your wife’s advice on an issue will validate her for a few days or even a week. Asking yourself “What can I do to show my wife more love?” will help you to love her more for now. But what about next time?

“What have you done for me lately?”
-Janet Jackson

How to Properly Use Quick Marriage Hacks for a Happier Marriage

A great marriage is not built on a single event. No wedding, no matter the expense or beauty of the occasion can long sustain a marriage. No single counseling session, no “I love you” uttered once in the past, no one time prayer together or any other single thing can give you a happy marriage. A happy marriage is built on one moment in time…repeated every day for the rest of your lives.

The Power of Consistency

Your marriage requires daily maintenance. The hugs, the words of love, the prayers offered up together must happen on a VERY regular basis. Just like only feeding your body once a month will lead to certain death by starvation, only occasionally feeding your marriage will lead to a miserable life together and possibly one or both of you seeking the nourishment of love elsewhere. Consistent acts of service and love to each other are the ways to make a happy marriage. Just as God is faithful to show us His love through His Word and Spirit so should we consistently show our spouses our love through our words and actions. Make sure that not a day goes by that she has to miss out on your love. Shower her with affection and care, hold her, touch her, listen to her, speak lovingly to her and serve her every day. Every single day.

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”
-Galatians 6:9

Now go love her today and every today for the rest of your lives together.

Love you all!

-Troy

You really have two options in life. No one gets away from these two options and you’ll deal with the tug of war between them every day of your life. I know what you are thinking. You think it’s good vs. evil. Perhaps it’s morality vs. immorality. Those are certainly things you’ll deal with frequently but I’m talking about two options that are both more subtle and more basic.

The Results of the Wrong Option

Before we get into the specifics of the options let’s talk about what happens if you go with the wrong one. If you choose poorly you will have a disconnected marriage or will experience the pain of divorce, possibly more than once. You will spend your life in a job that you despise just to pay the bills with no hope of anything else. You will either never have a relationship with God, will have one and fall away or always be on the surface with Him and wonder why you can’t go deeper. You will be overweight, out of shape and experience chronic diseases associated with those physical states of being. In short you will have a miserable existence, life a life of little consequence and come to the end of your life filled with regret. All for a single reason. You chose poorly.

The Results of the Correct Option

If you choose wisely you will have a happy and dynamic marriage. You will discover your passions in life and follow a path that allows you to meet your family’s needs while loving how you spend your days. You will enjoy frequent time with God and His people while continually growing closer to Him and serving others. You will eat in a healthy fashion but not be too stringent, enjoying the occasional indulgence as a result of your hard work. You’ll be physically fit, constantly pushing your body and feeling great. You’ll look and seem 10, 20 or even 30 years younger than your actual age. When the end of life nears you will be surrounded by those who love you and be ok knowing that you are about to meet the One who has been your first love for many years. All for a single reason. You chose wisely.

“A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one.”
-Ecclesiastes 10:2

A Bit of an Aside

This is the Happier Husband blog. The purpose is to help other couples find the kind of happiness that Sally and I have enjoyed for well over two decades. To show you the example of how God has led us down this path of almost unbelievable joy. Our lives are not perfect but it doesn’t matter. We have an amazing relationship because we have often chosen wisely. In some areas we have struggled. Not our relationship but other areas…because in some areas we have at times chosen poorly. But we recognize that and know the way to decrease and perhaps even remove some of those struggles. We know how to choose wisely.

Don’t Underestimate the Options

By now you are likely wondering VERY much about these two options. One of which leads to great misery and the other leads to great joy. The options are almost too basic to really understand the power they hold. But once you see the difference, once you trace them into the future in your mind, you will see why this is critical every single day for the rest of your life.

The Options

There are only two options and here they are, make sure you choose wisely. You can change or you can remain the same. That’s it. If you decide to remain the same you will never grow closer to your spouse. You will never remove the habits and behaviors that hold you back. You will never be able to be closer to God. You will stay in the same job, the same unhealthy eating patterns and the same lack of physical activity. Eventually people will grow and you will be left behind. BUT if you choose to change, if you choose to change daily, even hourly and minute by minute the world opens up to you. You will read, listen and learn. You will grow and discover more and better ways to love your spouse. You will seek God and His word; you will draw closer to Him and feel His power in your life. If you choose to change you will still feel fear but you will take the leap! You will stay in the job for the time it takes to complete what you know is your part then you will leave without regret. The people you leave behind will be better for having been a part of your life. You will be filled with joy and a zest for life along with the excitement of never knowing exactly what will happen next, but ready to change to meet the future head on.

“This is my command–be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
-Joshua 1:9

The Challenge

This won’t be easy. The momentum of accumulated years of staying the same will do their best to hold you back. But remember you aren’t tied down with chains or ropes, but rather with a thousand tiny threads. With every change you make a thread breaks. It gets a little easier. Your freedom was lost by choosing over and over to remain the same. Your freedom will be won by choosing over and over to make a change. Every time you are at a crossroad, when there is a decision to be made you must give yourself permission to change. Embrace the fact that life won’t wait for you to grow and that you must change to get reach your God-given destiny. If you truly want the life God has for you; the abundant life that Jesus promised then you have to do one simple thing, change.

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”
-John 10:10

Love you all!

-Troy