Do the Hard Thing…You’ll Be Glad You Did

I feel I should preface this post with a note. It is different than a lot of what you have seen at HappierHusband. But sometimes you have to shake things up.

Did You Know?

Did you know that most people live paycheck to paycheck? I’m sure you did. Did you know that the median household income in the United States for 2009-2013 was $53,046? For a family of four (two children and two adults) that is almost $30,000 above the United States poverty level.

False Guilt

If you make more than $10,000 in your household per year then you are wealthier than most of the people in the world. You are RICH! Rolling in the bucks! You can buy pretty much anything you like because you make more money than billions of other people! (That was sarcasm, just in case you didn’t catch it.) Don’t fall for it. The truth is although you probably DO make more money than most people in the world you live in a part of the world where you pay more for products and services as well. Just because you make $30,000, $40,000, $50,000 or more you should not feel guilt for someone who lives in a different country but makes enough money to take care of their own family. I recently was speaking to a friend who lived in Asia for 8 months. She was lamenting the fact that when she returned to the US some items cost 4 times what they paid while they were out of the country. If you have enough money for safety, for shelter, for putting a little into savings and for helping others, then you are doing well…no matter the exact amount. Note that I didn’t mention tithing in that list. We shouldn’t count our tithe as income to be considered, as it is a gift back to God for His goodness to us.

A Personal Question

If you had a look at our family’s tax returns you’d say we are doing ok. But are we doing as well as we should be doing? I don’t mean should we be making millions of dollars per year (although there is nothing wrong with that as long as the money is used in accordance with God’s will and Biblical principles), I mean are we doing as well as we should with what God has provided? In other words are we being good stewards?

Why Americans Live Paycheck to Paycheck

I’m convinced there is a simple reason why so many American families find themselves under crushing debt loads and always living near the edge of financial ruin. A very simple reason. We don’t have a lack of money; we have a lack of a money plan. There is a cost to not having a plan for our finances and it’s not just a cost to us.

Imagine With Me

Imagine being able to anonymously send $1,000 to a family in your church that you know is in need.

Imagine being able to commit $30 per month to supporting a child in poverty in another country.

Imagine being able to plan and enjoy a cruise or a trip to Orlando with your family…and to bring along your child’s best friend at your expense.

Imagine taking an annual mission trip to the same place each year and making great relationships with the people in that area and bringing them to Jesus.

Imagine.

Counting the Cost

Do you know how much each of those imaginings would cost? Of course the first two are simple, but even the others are only a few thousand dollars. Now, I hear what you are probably thinking. “ONLY a few thousand dollars? Is he nuts? If I had a few thousand extra dollars I would be able to pay my way out of this mess!” My friend, you do have a few thousand dollars to spare…and so do I. They are wrapped up in going out to dinner every Sunday and buying clothes when we already have more than we wear. Those thousands of dollars are in a hundred little things we buy or waste over the course of each year. Maybe it’s time for a change.

The Simple Solution

There is a simple solution. It has three steps. But it also has a cost. The cost is self-discipline.

No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening–it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

-Hebrews 12:11 NLT

Here are the steps: 1) Make a budget where you spend less than you take in. 2) Pay down your debts with the excess. 3) Stick to it.

There are many ways to make a budget; Dave Ramsey has an entire course used in many churches dedicated to it, Financial Peace University. If you don’t have the option to take the course then buy Dave’s book The Total Money Makeover. Right now he is offering a $33 deal on the entire Destroy Debt 2015 bundle. Those aren’t affiliate links, I won’t make a dime if you buy them but I just want you to know they are out there. If you can’t afford the books check with your pastor or local library.

Closing Thoughts

I want to be very clear. This should not be taken as license for one person in a marriage to control or overpower the other person’s ability to spend money. This must be a process worked out between the two of you where you both agree that steps need to be taken and changes need to be made. But like all critical aspects of marriage this process needs to be bathed in prayer and mutually supportive.

Life is tough, but if you are tough on yourself it will be infinitely easier on you.

-Zig Ziglar

If you commit to this path of self discipline then you’ll be happier in the long run. There will be challenges and unexpected expenses. There may be times when you blow it and have to jump back on. But imagine the satisfaction of know you are using the resources God has loaned to you in a way that is pleasing to Him and in a way that will allow you to live with less stress and to help others in need.

“Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

-Matthew 22:37-40

Love you all!

-Troy

Take Counsel

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

-Proverbs 31:10-12 ESV

I am an idea guy. Ideas come to me all the time for various ways to solve different issues. It’s not bragging, trust me. It’s not bragging because although I have plenty of ideas I have in the past lacked in the implementation department. That’s not going to be the case anymore because I have decided to become engaged.

A True Story

Recently through reading a book and getting some information from the author’s website I came up with a FANTASTIC idea. A plan to show people who are servers in restaurants specific techniques to get WAY more tips. I have the experience and always brought in more tips than average when I was a waiter. I thought I had a method of implementation from the author of the book. I discussed it with my wife and over the next few days I tried to come up with ways to pull it all together.

A Few Days Later

Sally came up to me after a few days and reminded me of the fact that as a part of the meeting with the CFO we signed up for an online class on Internet Marketing. In that class were very specific steps that ran in perfect alignment with the idea to help wait staff. Had I followed the method of implementation I received directly from the author’s website (which wasn’t a bad plan) I would have limited the reach and potential number of people to be helped to our local geographic area. By implementing her plan of action it would allow us to touch many more lives no matter where the people lived.

That’s Not the Point

The point of this post isn’t about the idea. The point isn’t even about the differences between my original plan and her MUCH better plan. Here is the point; no matter the idea, plan, or thought make sure you run it past your wife. She is an intelligent, thoughtful and unique child of God. Her perspective will be different from yours. You can and should sometimes seek counsel from others as well, but seeking counsel from your wife is most important for reason. Because you are married she has a highly vested interest in what you will be doing. Unlike a friend who may be collaterally affected by your plans and ideas she will be all in!

Wrapping It Up

Your spouse is not just your physical and spiritual partner. She is your financial and business partner. Think of your marriage as a company every once in a while. You and your spouse are the board of directors. Each member of the board needs access to the information and should be valued to give their input. You are intelligent and capable, so is she. Get her thoughts and input. Discuss your ideas together and then a few days later come back together after both of you have had time to consider options and allowed your wonderful God-given minds to come up with new thoughts. Then make your firm plans.

A Couple of Final Thoughts

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.

-Proverbs 12:15

Trying to come up with solutions to your problems alone is not the best method. Taking in another point of view from someone who loves you will not only give more ideas but will also create a support structure as you move forward.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

-Galatians 6:2

Now go tell your wife all your crazy dreams.

Love you all!

-Troy

 

 

 

 

 

One For The Ladies

As you know, this is the HappierHusband blog. The focus generally narrows to how a husband can have a happier marriage by doing what it takes to make his wife happy, stop fighting, be the spiritual leader, ignore commonly held misconceptions and take responsibility.

I’m Not Completely Dense

Based on various interactions it’s become apparent that we have a high percentage of female readers. Hi ladies! So I decided to do a post that is just for the ladies. So guys, you can sit back and let this one go. Read it if you like, but perhaps you should just go see who is playing on ESPN.

A Quick Caveat

Alright, now that we’ve cleared the men out let me drop in this caveat. Depending on the primary love language of your husband the action step that will be presented later in this post may be a bit unusual for the two of you. In short, your mileage may vary and one size fits most. However the “most” will be a VERY high percentage (likely over 97%) so just give it a shot. Can’t hurt and it might help.

The Problem

Did you know that every man is trying to look manly? In the 70s it was called ‘macho’ but the result is the same. Men usually don’t care to look weak, but rather put forth the image that they can handle what whatever comes up without any outside influence. I call this the “I don’t need any stinking directions” problem. I could spend several blog posts hitting this from multiple areas but I’m going to focus on just one.

Related Cool Science Stuff

Have you ever heard of cortisol and oxytocin? Cortisol is secreted by the adrenal gland and plays an important part in many bodily functions. Glucose and blood pressure regulation, insulin management, the immune system and response to inflammation are all affected by cortisol. But cortisol has a bad reputation. It is known as the “stress hormone” because it is released when we are in real or perceived danger. It is part of our “fight or flight” reaction. In the right situations this is important and valuable. However our lives are filled with hurry and stress causing cortisol to be released far too often and to not be well controlled. Over time too much cortisol has extremely negative effects including decreases in muscle tissue and bone density, impaired thyroid function, lower mental performance, high blood pressure, lower immunity, decreased response to inflammation, slower healing of wounds and increased abdominal fat. Of course this can lead to issues with heart attacks, strokes, high cholesterol and many other health problems.

More Related Cool Science Stuff

Oxytocin is a hormone produced in the brain and secreted by the pituitary gland. In contrast to cortisol oxytocin plays a role in childbearing, breastfeeding, and behaviors such as trust, relaxation and mental stability. Oxytocin also has been shown to help men who are in monogamous relationships to remain faithful.

The bottom line is that we really need to decrease or control cortisol and increase brain produced oxytocin.

How Do We Make This Happen?

I’ll bet you’re wondering how the cool science is related. Also how to we pull off making more of the good stuff and control the bad. Get ready ladies. It’s free, simple, and you’ll love the answer.

Untapped Power

Have you ever noticed that after a hug from a friend you simply feel better? Do you wonder why people hug during times of grief or after returning from a period of absence? Of course there are the social standards that define these as important and appropriate times for physical contact. However they also allow for a physiological response designed by the Lord Himself. When you are involved in a welcome touch with a loved one your adrenal gland decreases cortisol release and your pituitary gland increases the release of oxytocin. In short, whether you are the person initiating the touch or the recipient your stress decreases and your relaxation increases. This has been proven in multiple studies.

Biblical Support

In Matthew 19:13 Jesus laid hands on the children. In Mark 5:23, Matthew 8:3 and Matthew 8:15 Jesus used His power to heal people through touch.

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. – Matthew 8:3

Repeatedly in both the Old and New Testaments we are told to hold on to God, to hold His right hand, to not stop the laying on of hands. Why is this so important? Because God designed us to enjoy healing, comfort, strength and peace in the touch of another that we trust.

The Plan of Action

Thanks to the design of God science has now caught up with a simple fact: touch brings healing to the body, mind and soul. Holding hands, hugging, physical intimacy (within the bounds of marriage) and many other forms of touch have these same benefits. Physiological changes in the miraculous bodies that God created react in amazing ways to touches of love and kindness. Why did I say this post is for the ladies? It’s for a single reason. You are more likely to initiate this process than your husband. I’ll simply ask you this. At least three times per day embrace your husband. Not a perfunctory hug, but a deep hug, lasting several seconds. Take the time to snuggle in and allow your brain to change the chemical balance of your (and his) bloodstreams. Trust me; you can really feel it when it happens. Don’t let him get out of the hug too quickly; make sure he relaxes into it as well. If he balks just let him know you need to feel his touch. It’ll make him more than willing. The physical benefits of better health and potentially longer life can be realized by this simple change. You’ll both be happier for the rest of the day and maintaining this habit it can dramatically improve your overall feelings of peace, comfort, safety and love.

Love you all!

-Troy

 

Get Engaged

A few days ago our youngest child asked his girlfriend of two years (who has been his best friend for five years) to marry him. So as to not kill you with suspense she said “Yes.” Now they are engaged. It’s a commitment to marry that person, to spend the rest of your life with them. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…you know the deal. I have to say that Sally and I could not be more pleased! She is a wonderful woman of God and they love the Lord and each other dearly. It’s a great event and to be celebrated. Eventually they will be married and carry out a lifetime commitment.

This Section Has a Point

Did you ever have an epiphany? You know, a moment of incredible clarity that just took almost all of the aspects of your present existence and brought them together into one great, glorious and shining whole. That happened to me recently. I learned two things from this particular epiphany. 1) Epiphanies are not always meant to show you something pretty. 2) I apparently quit everything without finishing.

The Revelation to (not) Saint Troy

Well, I don’t quit everything, because if that were true I would not be qualified to write this blog. More specifically I apparently have a habit of self-sabotage that causes me to get terribly excited about a new life direction, I go crazy learning about it for anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 years, put in a little action, then give up. It’s great fun.  You should try it sometime. Oh, wait. Based on stories from friends you may have already tried it. How sad for you (and me).

Confirmation of the Problem

This doesn’t necessarily manifest itself the same way for every person. Let’s walk through some examples and see if any ring true. Did you ever get on a weight loss plan and quit without reaching your goal? Or reach your goal and then gain some (or all) of the weight back? Perhaps you have a half written book. Did you start college or a post-graduate degree and it remains unfinished? Is there part of a jigsaw puzzle on your ping pong table next to the clean folded towels? If I looked in your garage would there be random pieces of wood that were once supposed to be a new deck or even an end table? Yep, you have the disease as well.

A Small Out

Let me ease things for you a bit. Some projects are not supposed to be finished. There are occasions where Sally and I started something and got a little bit in and knew it just wasn’t for us. There were other times when things went well for a while and then God moved things in another direction. When these kinds of events happen then it’s ok to cut your losses, learn the lesson and move on. IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not a license to give up on your marriage. I’m strictly talking about other areas here. But for areas where we need to cross the finish line there has to be a way to make it happen and to do so consistently.

It’s Time for Us to Get Engaged

The simple solution is to get engaged. To fully commit to the end goal. Recently Jon Acuff wrote a blog post titled The 4 types of non-fiction books. (And which kind to read more of in 2015.) I recommend you check it out…after finishing this post of course. 🙂 In the blog Jon indicates there are four types of non-fiction books (hence the title). I won’t steal all of Jon’s thunder, but the 4th type is “The books you engage with.” What the article revealed to me (which I already knew deep down) is that I have a couple of shelves filled with fantastic books, but I haven’t really engaged with any of them.

My Engagement Commitment

I’ve made a commitment to fully engage with one of these books and have already enjoyed wonderful communication with the author. A New York Times Best-Selling author I might add. Sometimes if you reach out they will respond. But if you don’t ask the answer will always be no. The author appreciated my story and commitment so much that he sent me a free copy of his brand new book. FYI if you are looking for a way to find your life’s passion in work then I highly recommend purchasing a copy of the book yourself, it is 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller. Make sure you get the 10th Anniversary Edition. Love it and Dan’s podcast. Plus he and his wife of 47 years, Joanne, were recently featured on Episode 5 of the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast.

Wrapping It Up

The issue of being fully engaged can be related to any area of life and marriage. Recently a friend mentioned to me that he needed to pray with his wife more. That is certainly a great place to get engaged. In fact it’s so important I admitted my own failure in that specific area before I got engaged in it. Take a little time to look over your life. Find areas that are taking valuable time away from your spouse and family. Cut them loose and let them go. Then find areas that could help those relationships grow. Just focus on one or two. Then take one simple step. Commit to getting fully engaged.

Love you all!

-Troy

Keep Up the Good Work

If you were to look on one of my bookshelves or in one of my two different eBook apps you would find three primary types of books.

  1. Bibles and other books about growing closer to God and others.
  2. Fiction and sci-fi (a very small number since the purge of early 2014).
  3. Personal and business growth.

Bible reading is part of my daily routine along with reading for personal, relationship, and or business growth. On a side note if you’d like more detail on my daily routine check out the post What I Do.

A Short Note

Sometimes I get a little parental on this blog. I throw out recommendations and statistics, platitudes and methods. I do that for the same reason a father gives instructions to his children…for them to have better lives and relationships. My claim does not consist of being a better husband than anyone else, but rather to take what God has blessed Sally and me with and pass it on to others.

A Sense of Accomplishment

Considering that this is the first post of 2015 I wanted to change the tone a bit. I’m still going to give an instruction and suggestion, but I think you’ll enjoy them. I’d like you to take a look back at 2014. Consider your relationship with your spouse. List one or two things that went well, really well in your marriage last year. Spend a few minutes as you share some prayer time together to celebrate these accomplishments! Thank the Lord for His work between the two of you in 2014. Also don’t forget to be excited about things you did to improve your marriage.

Looking Forward

This next step is optional, but highly recommended. As you considered your marital relationship in 2014 it is likely you noticed an area or two that you would like to improve. One challenge of being a man is that we don’t always notice places of potential relationship improvement. Talk to your spouse and ask for honest suggestions. See if you can determine how to make these changes. Perhaps commit to reading a book on a specific marriage topic, subscribing to a podcast related to marriage, going on a marriage retreat, scheduling a regular date night or seeing a counselor for some more challenging issues. Never forget the option to ask another couple who has walked a similar path for their input.

In Summary

Celebrate your accomplishments from 2014 and consider areas to make your marriage even better in 2015! One last suggestion, think about taking what you have learned in your marriage and passing it on to another couple. This not only affirms the power of God in your marriage but may help them as well.

Go celebrate your marriage!

-Troy

Why I Care About Football…and Knitting

I’m a little bit of an athlete. Five or six days a week you’ll find me at the gym lifting weights, doing ab work or running many miles. This year I plan to do a half marathon and am in the middle of a training program. But I’m really not into watching sports.

My Football Confession

As I sit right now there is a football game on the television. It’s not just any football game; it’s the Cotton Bowl with Michigan State vs Baylor. Yeah, I had to Google it as I haven’t really been focused on which bowl game was on. Considering that I’m currently less than 30 miles from the MSU campus it’s the appropriate game to have on TV. I really only watch football two times during the year, 1) Superbowl Sunday – snacks and commercials baby! 2) Any time I’m with Sally’s extended family.  Here is the deal, I know enough about football and the terms and rules to participate as a fan watching the game. But it really holds no great interest for me.

Why I Care About Football

Today happens to be New Year’s Day and the people in Sally’s family are BIG Michigan State fans. So am I. Not because I really love MSU, but rather because I want to support their point of view and be part of the experience. I care about football because they care about football. Am I being dishonest? No, because I’m happy to admit it’s not my thing. (FYI I just yelled “DRAT!” at the television.  Baylor scored…yep, I’m participating. :-)) It is of interest to them so it is of interest to me…when we are together.

What Does This Have to Do With Knitting?

Some time ago my lovely wife took up knitting. It’s a hobby that allows her to express her creative side. Frankly it saved us a bunch of money this most recent Christmas because she knitted several gifts. She often asks me while she is making a scarf whether or not I like it. We go shopping together for yarn and she asks my opinion on colors of yarn for particular people. I throw in my thoughts and genuinely try to help.

Why I Care About Knitting

My wife enjoys knitting. It brings her joy. Do I knit? Nope. Is knitting something I would like to take up as a hobby myself? Not in the least. But do I appreciate her skills? Absolutely! Do I complain when we are at Michael’s? Never? Why not? Two reasons: 1) She enjoys it so I do as well. 2) I want to share as many experiences with her as possible. It still amazes me that she can take a ball of yarn and 45 minutes later be holding a scarf that she created! Seriously. I don’t have that type of talent.

What is the Point?

Two of the aspects of every healthy relationship in life are shared interests and supporting each other. If your spouse has something they truly enjoy and or deeply care about and you ignore or disregard it then they will often feel that as personal rejection. Like it or not people take their hobbies very seriously. A little bit of support or encouragement can go a long way in drawing closer together in the relationship. Pay attention, participate and learn to enjoy the process.  Who knows, you may find yourself really getting into it. I have a brother in law who started knitting with his wife and now together they produce all kinds of handmade projects that are sold to support university students who are going on mission trips.

One Small Warning

Remember there is a difference between having even a small amount of honest interest and feigning interest. No pretending!  She’ll see right through it. Take the time to get a little bit involved. Make a decision to give it a shot. She’ll appreciate your sincere effort. Never forget the point, you want to grow closer to her. Sharing an interest that is important to her can be a great way to make that happen.

“…I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.”

– 1 Corinthians 9:22b

Now go out there and enjoy each other!

-Troy

What Can I Do?

This post is going live on December 28, 2014. Late December has a reputation for being the time of year when people make their New Years’ resolutions. Some folks plan to lose weight and get in shape, to stop smoking, to write a book, start a business, draw closer to God or any of several other great changes. I’m a fan of the fact that a new year brings to mind the idea that new things are possible, that what hasn’t worked can be discarded and change is on everyone’s mind.

Recently I began listening to the Confessions of A Terrible Husband podcast, hosted by my friend Nick Pavlidis. I strongly recommend checking out his podcast, great stuff! In Episode 3 Nick interviews John G. Miller, author of several books including QBQ: The Question Behind the Question. During the interview John emphasized the idea of personal accountability in all things, including marriage. One important question John posed stood out to me.

 What Can I Do?

-John G. Miller

 

What Can I Do? A simple question. When my wife and I are on opposite sides of an issue the question should not be, “Why doesn’t she get it?” the question should be, “What can I do to make this better?” When finances are an issue ask the questions, “What can I do to make things easier? What expenses are uniquely mine that I can decrease or eliminate? How can I help in the budgeting process? What can I do to bring in more money? What can I do?”  Don’t ask, “Why won’t the other person or situation change?” instead ask yourself, “What can I do to improve the situation?”

I’m going to quickly bring this back around so that you can get back to your New Years’ festivities.  Let me pose my own question based on John’s.  Ask this question of yourself.

What can I do to show my wife more love?

This question assumes you know what she needs to feel loved. If you don’t know her primary love language then that may not be the case.  Take a quick look back at The Book That Started It All. Of course you could simply ask HER the question, “What can I do that will make you feel more loved?”

If you are looking for a resolution that’s a great one to use for 2015. Find out what makes her feel more loved and resolve to do it every single day. In case you need a regular reminder just put an alarm in your smartphone.  🙂

Now go do what YOU can do to make 2015 the most loving year ever in your marriage!

-Troy

Like a Child?

Adults are boring.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m technically an adult and know there are many things that must be done in life that require the maturity level of an adult.

The Problem With Childishness

Have you ever know a couple of adults who just were not getting along due to some petty issue?  One person said or did something, often without thinking or even realizing they had offended the other.  As a result there is anger, miscommunication and lack of forgiveness.  People will ignore each other, try to avoid spending time together or when required to spend time together it will be terribly uncomfortable. This is childishness and it is hurtful and without merit. Childishness is rooted in selfishness. If you are a Christian then selfishness needs to be rooted out by spending time in the Presence of God. In this Christmas season don’t let time with family that you see infrequently be a time of hurt and discomfort, let it be fill with love and joy!

The Beauty of Childlikeness

I’m not sure that is is a word.  Childlikeness I mean. But I’m using it. It’s a powerful image. Childlikeness means living in wonder and awe and silliness like a child. Enjoying the discovery of new things, having fun and just being playful.  I love my wife at all times and for many things but I get a special pleasure when she is childlike. In every woman there is a 12 year old girl. She is silly, cute and a little mischevious. Being around that little girl is just fun. So. Much Fun! Inside every man is an 8 year old boy. Goofy, funny and ready to try anything…as long as he has a cape!

The Balance

In 1 Corinthians 13:11 Paul writes:

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” (emphasis added).

Childishness holds us back in relationships. Childishness is immature and always selfish.

In Matthew 18:3-5 we see the words of Jesus:

“And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.“

We are called to be childlike! Being childlike means we have implicit trust that God will take care of us. We believe He is in control and know He has our best interests at heart. Being childlike means we treat others as a child treats them (“whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me“). NOT as a hurtful and clique obsessed teen, but as a child who accepts everyone. Let the people who are different and unlike you into your circle. Be goofy and silly with your friends. Have fun and expect the best. Be childlike and not childish.

Wrapping It Up

If you are a wife your husband most likely loves it when the little girl in you appears! If you are a husband sometimes you need to be a little boy. Let your adulthood fall away and just have fun together. Show love and acceptance, sweetness and joy, and just be open to new experiences and events.

Most of us love a silly, funny and caring child.  There are few things more precious than the sincere hug of a child.  Avoid childishness in all forms, but be childlike in how you enjoy, love and trust others.

Love you all!

Merry Christmas!

-Troy

 

 

 

 

The 1 Reason Marriages Fail or Succeed

How about that for a bold title? In 1000 words or less I’m going to let you in on the only reason marriages fail. Then you can use that knowledge to help your marriage succeed. Is your marriage strong? Is it weak? Happy? Stressed? You’re about to find out why.

The Problem with the World

Most of us, in fact nearly all of us, make a grave mistake in our lives. We give away our power. We assume that we have no control. In the world we are taught that life is about jobs, cars, school, church and other external circumstances. But the truth is that 90% of life is lived within our minds and is under our control. Once you truly get this your life will never be the same.

The Truth about Life

Life is a mental game. It’s an exercise of how our minds interpret the world. A few years ago I was taught a principle that made this very clear. What you believe determines your actions and your actions determine your results. The progression is 1) beliefs 2) actions 3) results. Every aspect of life follows this series of steps.

How We Got Into Trouble

Look around you. Think of your friends and family members. I’ll bet that some of them had a life plan, at least for a time. Do you want to know where it ended? Just after graduation. If their education stopped at high school the plan was, “Get a job that pay the bills and that won’t drive me insane or suck all of the life out of me.”  Most of them failed because they hate their job. If someone went to college the life plan may have a longer term. “Graduate, get a job in my field (or go to graduate school then get a job in my field), and follow that path through life.” Some of them succeeded, but many failed. Why do I say they failed? Because they only had a plan for a career…and even that was lost. They never planned their life.

Drifters

Your life is within your control.  What you do and have can be changed. But if you don’t have what you want in your life, career and marriage what is the reason? You are drifting. You’ve set your autopilot to react to circumstances rather than consciously taking control. You are going through the motions. That wasn’t God’s intention for your life. The words of Jesus in John 10:10 show God’s heart for your life.

John1010

The Solution

There is a simple solution to the drifter issue. You have to change your results in life. But going back to what we have already learned, beliefs determine actions and actions determine results. So to change your results you must first change your beliefs. Whole books have been written on this topic and we won’t get into any more detail here than necessary but let’s make it very clear. When you allow your circumstances to shape your beliefs about what is possible then you will always drift through life. When you decide what your beliefs will be then you control your destiny.

How this Relates to Marriage

If you came out of a home where your parents were happily in love then you likely believe a happy marriage is possible.  If you came from a broken or highly dysfunctional home then your beliefs may have been shaped toward the idea that a happy marriage is either incredibly difficult or impossible.  But how does a simple belief about marriage make a couple happy or unhappy?  Follow the progression.

Actions and Results

If you believe a happy marriage is normal and to be expected then you will take actions consistent with that belief.  You will be kind to your spouse, think the best of them and do what you can to make their life more fulfilled and enjoyable.  If both partners are taking these kinds of actions then wonderful things will happen.  However if you believe marriage is hard or unlikely to last for a lifetime then you’ll take actions consistent with those beliefs.  When your spouse says an unintentionally hurtful word you’ll assume it was meant as an attack rather than an error.  You’ll look for inconsistencies in their behavior and be constantly suspicious. When challenges come you’ll look for a way out rather than a way to repair the relationship.  What you believe about marriage affects whether or not you have a happy and loving union.

In Closing

Beliefs are formed from experiences and learning.  Beliefs can be intentionally changed.  It takes time and a firm commitment.  But you will notice that as you change your beliefs your actions will begin to change, almost without effort. Results will be better than ever before. But it all starts with changing your beliefs.

Challenge

Think over what you believe about marriage or your spouse. Make a list. See if all of your beliefs are healthy. If any are not then pick one each week to change. Repeat to yourself several times a day the healthy equivalent of that belief.  Perhaps your parents often fought and then divorced. You may have a belief that “marriage is hard work and most marriages fail.”  But to change that belief say to yourself at least 10 times per day, every day for the next week, “our marriage is filled with joy and we love each other more every day.”

Give it a shot!

Love you all!

-Troy

One of My Favorites – Repost

Every once in a while here at HappierHusband we bring back one of my favorite posts from the past.  We do this so that 1) New readers can enjoy the content they may have missed and 2) To remind all of us that truth remains even though we may have forgotten that we learned it.

The following post first appeared nearly 6 months ago, on June 27, 2014.  It was one of my first few blog posts.  It is short and to the point, but very heartfelt.  Since then we have had several friends and family members lose their spouses.  At this Christmas season I think this is very appropriate.  Please don’t overlook the importance of Before She is Gone.

Before She is Gone

I don’t want to write this post…but I will. Recently I caught a snippet of Focus on the Family on our local Christian radio station (http://wcicfm.org).  Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, was speaking and he made the following statement to women about how to value their husbands, “Ask the Lord to give you a widow’s heart, before your husband is gone.”

Of course my mind turned it around to, “Lord, give me a widower’s heart before she is gone.”  Gut punch!  I don’t even want to think about it.  The tears start to flow.  Considering how I would miss everything she brings to my heart and life. It’s almost unthinkable.  But in truth it will almost certainly happen that there will be a day when one of us is gone and the other will be left behind.

On that day will you be telling yourself, “I wish I had let her know how much I loved her.  I wish I could bring her back, even for a minute, to let her know that after the Lord she is everything to me.”?  Or will you be able to say with confidence, ” I told her EVERY DAY that I loved her, several times a day and I KNOW she knew it was true by my words and actions.  I treated her as a precious blessing, more than I ever deserved and I believe her life was better because the Lord brought us together.  I did everything I could to love her and when see sees Jesus I hope she notices even the smallest reflection of our love as a couple in His countenance.”

My friends, we treat this time on Earth as if it will last for ever.  It. Will. Not.

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” – James 4:14

Your life is short and as you age you’ll notice it more and more.  Her life is short.  She is yours for a time and a brief time at that.  Love her while you can so that when she is no longer by your side you will not regret the time you wasted while she was yet here.

Now go and love your wife!

-Troy