“I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don’t you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land.” – Isaiah 43:19 (God’s Word Translation)

I am just a few days shy of my 45th birthday.  My wonderful bride and I have been married for over 23 years.  When we met Ariana Grande, Meghan Trainor, Charli XCX, Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez had not been born.  How’s that for a long time ago?

We lived through the Bicentennial, the death of Elvis, the Challenger explosion, fall of the Berlin Wall, the end of the Soviet Union, the first Gulf War, Chernobyl, 9/11 and many other events.   It’s quite a history.

When we first married the first couple of years were difficult.  Don’t get the impression that what you read in these Happier Husband blog posts is the way it’s always been for us.  We had our emotional ups and downs.  There were times early on where we didn’t get along very well.  After we really centered our individual lives and our marriage on the Lord our relationship improved tremendously.  We have been incredibly happy for two decades!  But even during that time there have been events that were not easy.  Finances, jobs, children, family, friends and many other areas can bring joy and sometimes pain.  Yet we persevere.

23 years of marriage and I’m almost 45 years old.

“I am going to do something new…” 

God is leading us on two new paths that are interrelated.  Together we see Him changing our entire future.  Guess what?  At a time when most people would be apprehensively trying to determine if their retirement plans will actually sustain them at age 62 we are starting something BRAND NEW!  You know why?  Two reasons:

1) God gave us a firm call.

2) We decided to never settle.

Read this quote carefully.

“Most men die at 25… we just don’t bury them until they are 70.” – Benjamin Franklin

If we stop growing we start dying.  This applies to our marriages as well.

Never settle, don’t stop growing.  How do you keep growing?  Read books, go to marriage events, listen to podcasts about growing your marriage, pray together.

Have you tried this before and fell into the same rut?  Try again!

“Forget the former things.  Do not dwell on the past.” – Isaiah 43:18

Here is the big one to get things moving again:

Ask God how He wants to change your marriage.  Ask Him for a new mission, a new purpose.

Don’t let your marriage slide into the oblivion of bored apathy.  Let the Lord do something new between you today!

Love you all!

-Troy

This is the shortest post ever at HappierHusband.

Don’t rush through it.

I have two questions for you to ponder.

Here they are.

 What are the last words you said to your wife today?

 How would you both feel if they were the last words she ever heard from your lips?

“How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog–it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.”

-James 4:14 NLT

Be kind and never harsh with the words you speak to her.  At some point they will be The Last Words.

Love you all!

-Troy

Raise your hand if you have a job.  Ok, put them down.  That’s likely a good 90+ percent of you.  Now raise your hand if there is a CFO (Chief Financial Officer) or someone equivalent who knows all of the details of the finances of the organization.  Please put them down again.  Thank you for playing.

On Friday I had a meeting with my personal CFO, that evening we went to an AWESOME concert together (shout out to the Michael Maher Band) and almost every morning I woke up by her side.  For those of you who are having trouble keeping up, my lovely bride is our CFO.  🙂

Last weekend we were on a Personal Focus Retreat and the Lord revealed some of the plans for the next season of our lives.  Those plans from God require effort on our part.  As Mark Batterson says, “We have to do the natural and God will do the supernatural.”

But our next season of life is not the reason for this post.  It’s the meeting with the CFO.

In our over 23 years of marriage we’ve held various jobs and owned three small businesses.  Of the businesses one was a complete flop, one was a little successful and the third did quite well for a period of time.  We learned a lot through all of these experiences, but they were very fly by the seat of your pants.  What I mean is, we learned something, immediately implemented it (which is VERY good) but we didn’t have a true plan.

I don’t mean a 93 page business plan.  I mean a plan for the future of our lives.  We were moving along, taking things as they came, but we had no framework with a clear path.  Don’t get me wrong.  We had goals and milestones, but we never really sat down together and said, “This is the plan we feel is from God and we will follow it until He changes either the circumstances or our hearts.”

That was the point of Friday’s meeting.  To cover very concrete plans…AFTER having prayed for many days before that meeting.  I have to say it was AWESOME!  Researching, discussing, reaching out to an expert and taking action TOGETHER like we had never done before was powerful.  We will be doing so regularly.

We thought we had been accomplishing things before, but what we really did was let people and events pull us along in a slow drift.  NOW we have a defined path.  Thanks to the Lord!

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” – James 1:5

We took action Friday and again yesterday on this path.  Five years.  We have a specific 5 year path.  Not a plan for every single step, but a path to follow and the first few steps are known.

“The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.” – Proverbs 21:5

Let’s wrap this up.  What is your path for the next season of your life?  Have you met with your CFO (or perhaps you are the CFO and she’s the CIO :-))?  When is the last time the two of you sat down to plan the next season of your life?  When is the last time you spent focused time with God, separately and together, to seek His specific will for the next few months or years?

Maybe it’s time.

Love you all!

Troy

This weekend my lovely bride and I are on a personal focus retreat with a few people from our church.  It’s not a large group event, there are six of us plus the pastor who is leading us and another in a support/prayer role.  It’s designed to allow each of us to focus on God and determine  His will for the next season of our lives.

It’s not a couple’s retreat.
It’s not a marriage retreat.
It’s a you and God retreat.

Sally and I do as much as we possibly can together.  We love each other’s company and enjoy our ‘us’ time very much, but that’s not the point this weekend.

This weekend is about her and God.
This weekend is about me and God.
This weekend is not about us and God.

Now, granted that God will certainly not set up a plan in His will that will take us in opposite directions.  However He is speaking to us indiviually during this time.

This weekend we have to grant each other freedom.  I grant her freedom from me and she grants me freedom from her.  Not freedom in a sense of avoiding and not loving each other, but rather freedom to hear from the Lord without the voice of anyone else in the mix.

Why is this so important?  The strength and health of your marriage are directly proportional to the strength and health of each spouse’s individual relationship with Jesus Christ. In other words if EITHER of us is not close to Jesus then our marriage suffers.

I want her to get exactly what God has for her and not what I think is best.  I want her to be 100% commited to Him.  He is our Father and Guide and knows far better than I what is the right plan for her…and for us.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

So this weekend my love, enjoy freedom from me.

Men, never forget that God will always be there even when we cannot.  Grant her the freedom to grow in Him and He will protect you both.

God loves you and so do I.

-Troy

Have you ever spent time reading various statistics?  Just for fun?  Let’s take a look at some examples.

What are the odds of?

Getting a hole in one in golf:                          1 in 5,000 (if you play enough rounds…)

Bowling a perfect game:                               1 in 11,500 (maybe you should stick to golf)

Catching a baseball at a major league game:  1 in 563 (of course you’ll buy a lot of expensive hot dogs)

Sustaining an injury from a toilet seat:            1 in 10,000 (but it happened to me once…)

Getting stuck in an elevator:                           1 in 24,528 (see, you’ll bowl a perfect game first)

Tripping while texting:                                   1 in 10 (this probably happened to a friend, not you :-))

(Source: http://alexiahart.deviantart.com/art/What-are-the-odds-Infographic-201925821)

Here is another statistic.  According to Time Magazine the average couple has a 57% chance of seeing their 15th wedding anniversary.  If they make it that far they have a good shot a a lifelong marriage.  The article also lists factors which seem to decrease or increase the odds of divorce.  A few interesting items.  Couples who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates than those who do not.  Couples who marry after the age of 25 tend to remain married.  Younger couples statistically split up more often.  Being a certain religion doesn’t keep couples from divorcing, but being devoted to their faith makes a big difference.

Here is a question.  What are the odds of divorce in your marriage?  43% like the average marriage?  20% due to your devotion to God (have to leave a little room in there just in case)?

What should the odds be?

0%

Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  Your marriage should be divorce proof.

What makes a marriage divorce proof?   Is it counseling?  Reading marriage books and blogs?  Going on marriage retreats?

No.  These are all good things and can be quite helpful in making a marriage happier and more fulfilled.  But they don’t make a marriage divorce proof.  Only two things can make a marriage divorce proof.

You and her.

I’m betting some of you expected me to put God in there.  Nope.  God doesn’t make marriage divorce proof.  Don’t get me wrong, having the Lord at the center of your marriage is critical to a long, happy fruitful marriage.  But God doesn’t force Himself into the center of your marriage.  You and your spouse invite Him to be there.

A lifelong marriage has many aspects and characteristics but the only guarantee is the decision by the wife and husband that divorce is not an option.  Ever.

You may decide together at the outset of your marriage that this is for the long haul.  That divorce can never be on the table.  When you are tested you’ll have to make this decision again.  Perhaps more than once.  But let me be very clear.  In my experience you should never mention divorce to each other.  Don’t even say the word.  It should not even come to mind.

Will you disagree at times?  Absolutely!  Will you fight?  I hope not!  But no matter what there should be three responses in a conflict.  1) Humility 2) Forgiveness 3) Love.

Humility – If the you have done something to wrong your spouse then humbly seek their forgiveness.  James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Forgiveness – If you are the one who has been wronged then be quick to forgive.  In Colossians  3:13 we read, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Love – To repair the relationship be generous with your love…on both sides.  Finally we follow the instruction in 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

To be perfectly frank I really didn’t want to write this post.  This topic is completely off the radar between Sally and me.  However I come from a broken family and many of you have either experienced divorce, contemplated it or had family/friends who have dealt with it.

My prayer is that you would make a powerful decision to never EVER consider divorce and bring the Lord to the center of your marriage.  If you covenant with Him together He can make your decision one that will last by His power.

Know that I love you and so does our Lord.

-Troy

In 1986 singer/songwriter Madonna released the song “Open Your Heart”.  While I don’t agree (obviously) with everything Madonna does or says, one phrase from this song is very powerful.  “Open your heart with the key.  One is such a lonely number.”

Today’s post may be perhaps one of the most challenging for us as men.  Here at Happier Husband we have many very practical action steps.  The One Thing challenge, to Stop Fighting, Stop Doing This, to cherish her Before She is Gone and many others.  Some of these posts have called us to simple acts of love and others have brought us to tears.  But this post is a different kind of call to action.  It may make you uncomfortable, but if you do it I promise you’ll love the results!

Intimacy in marriage has several aspects.  Just reading the word intimacy will for many of us bring up thoughts of the physical area of our blessed union.  The physical is important but it’s not all that is necessary.  Studies show that for a woman to truly be happy and engaged with the physically intimate area of a relationship she must be emotionally intimate as well.

Guess what?  The same applies to men.  The degree is different and may manifest itself not as powerfully, but the need is still there.  Would you like another very practical suggestion to increase the joy and peace in your marriage?  To be able to feel safe and even more loved?  It’s simple.

Open your heart.

“An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels.  The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” – Proverbs 31:10-11 (emphasis added).

When you are afraid, don’t just suck it up and move on.  Open your heart to your wife, your soul mate.  Share your hidden fears, let a few tears flow, it’s normal.  Share the dreams you have long buried.  Talk to her about your day, the fun and the challenges.  Talk about your love for her and for the Lord.  Read books, listen to podcasts and discuss what they meant to you and how they changed your perspective.

Tell her what she means to you.  When you are dealing with a physical issue don’t just “man up” and expect it to go away.  Let her know about it and go get some help.

I have to say that we were several years into our marriage before I really understood this.  Also I still struggle at times with the fear of vulnerability or the fear that she will respect me less for being “weak”.  Here is what I have discovered.  Sharing my weaknesses makes our marriage stronger.  It also allows her to comfort and build me up.  She can then pray for me in a specific fashion.  If you want to really be touched then listen to your wife pray for you.  It is incredibly powerful.  Don’t miss this seeming paradox.  When I share my weaknesses with my wife I become stronger through her love for me and her love for God!

Let me wrap this up.

She loves you.  She wants to know you, what excites you, what concerns you, what gives you joy.  If you don’t share with her you are cheating her of the chance to love you in a much deeper fashion and you are cheating yourself of the intimacy of having someone who can love you more than you ever expected.

Open your heart.

-Troy

I’m a guy.  I fix stuff.  Well, let’s not get too crazy here.  I don’t fix stuff like Real Men.  Real Men can repair their own cars, fix their own plumbing and grout between their ceramic tiles.  I wonder if I said that correctly?  A Real Man would know.

I fix technology problems.  Computers, networks, TVs, cables, phones and other such items.  It’s my nature.  But more importantly it’s the nature of most men.  Not to fix tech problems (otherwise I’d be bored since more men would do what I do), but rather to fix things.

We are men.  When we see a problem we want to solve it.  Just hand us the hammer and stand back!

This tendency also applies to relationships.  We see a problem and want to fix it.  This is where I start to see God’s sense of humor.  Men want to fix problems.  If you tell me the horrible thing that happened with your coworker I want to give you the advice to solve the problem.

What do women want?  Frequently?  To talk about the problem.  Not to have us throw in our two cents to try and fix it.  This is not to say that women don’t want issues to be resolved.  But their way is not the same as a man’s way.  This I learned early in marriage and have to still consciously think about it.  In fact there are points where I come right out and ask Sally, “Would you like me to give some input or do you just want to talk it through?”

Here is a suggestion for all of the husbands out there.  When your wife comes to you and starts sharing about issues at work, or with another family member do NOT immediately start offering advice.  Did you get that?  Just let her get her thoughts out there.  Put down your phone, listen attentively and be present.

“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13

That’s it.  Just be there for her.  Don’t fix it, don’t tell her what she (or someone else) did to cause it.  STOP STOP STOP STOP!  I know you are still going to want to make it better with your deep insight.  Don’t.

Can you ever offer advice?  Ever?  Yes…when she asks for it.  Only then should you be jumping in.

Now go out there and listen to your wife!

-Troy

I work in the Information Technology (IT) industry.  It IT there are many different companies producing millions of products with varying usefulness to the consumer.  A few really big companies have had a major effect on our day to day lives.  Microsoft, Apple, Amazon and several others have made an incredible difference.  Did you know that each of these companies has a mission statement?  Some even have a slogan that you’ve seen in advertising.  Perhaps you remember “Think Different” from Apple or “Your Potential.  Our Passion.” from Microsoft.

Do you know the unofficial slogan of Google?  Three words.  “Don’t Be Evil“.  Whether or not you believe Google has done well not “being evil” you do have to appreciate the simplicity and sincerity.  Don’t Be Evil.  It takes you back to comic books or goofy movies with evil geniuses and slightly dopey heroes.  Don’t Be Evil.  A lot of good can be done by a company that has decided evil will not be one of its goals.  Not that a company starts out with an evil plan, but occasionally companies end up doing things that some people might consider to be “evil”.

The statement “Don’t Be Evil” can act as a constant reminder of where not to go.  To stay on a “good” path.  I like it.  A bit whimsical and a clear goal.  No matter what you do Google, Don’t Be Evil.

Did you know that are three words in marriage that can also lay out a clear goal and change everything?  Three words that when adhered to will make a marriage incredibly happy.  Three words that can take any negative interaction in a marriage and turn it around…in mere seconds.

In the book of Philippians Paul alludes to the three words.  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3).

Ready for the three words?  Here they are:

Don’t Be Selfish

That’s it.  Don’t Be Selfish.  At this point perhaps you are thinking something like such as, “Well of course!  Don’t be selfish is a given.  I’m not selfish.  Thanks for wasting my time telling me something I already knew.”

Here is where a lot of people miss the importance of Don’t Be Selfish.  We know not to be selfish, we have been told that most of our lives.  It’s biblical.  It’s obvious…and we often overlook it.  How?

In the middle of a difference of opinion with your spouse.  A fight for those of you who have fights.  (If you are still having fights with your spouse you might want to read Stop Fighting. :-))  When you are in the heat of the moment, doing your best to get YOUR opinion out and make things go your way…is that selfish?

It’s movie night.  You want an action movie, one where a LOT of stuff blows up.  She wants a romantic comedy.  Do you try subtly (subconsciously I’m sure) to guilt her into your choice?  Don’t Be Selfish.

I REALLY want “Don’t Be Selfish” to hit me whenever I’m getting a little too much of me in our plans.  What about you?

Here is the final point.  If both of you are keeping “Don’t Be Selfish” at the top of your minds your marriage will be AMAZING!  Why?  Because each of you is working to make the happiness of the other as more important than your own.  Ask the Lord to bring “Don’t Be Selfish” to your mind whenever you are about to cross the line into selfishness.

Now go out there and Don’t Be Selfish!

-Troy

(PS: Have you taken the One Thing challenge yet?  It’s not too late!)

Let’s get right to it.

Far too many couples reach a point in their marriage where the “feeling” of love is not there anymore.  Kids, job, bills, housework and many other activities contribute to taking our energy from our contribution to the marriage relationship.  Eventually you stand back and think “Do I really still love this person?  I don’t feel anything.  We seem to just be working our way through life.”

You can’t base your love on feelings, this we know.  Love is a choice.  We love because we choose to love just as in Christ God loved us. “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” – 1 John 4:9

Feelings are fickle and prone to change at odd times and due to current circumstances.  However feelings are where you love for your wife began.

Would you like to restore some of those feelings?  Would you like to feel the love again?  Deep in your heart?  It’s not as difficult as you might think…and only takes about 60 seconds.

Do you have 60 seconds to rekindle the fire in your heart?

This is incredibly practical.  One thing.  Think of one thing about your wife that is precious to you.  Her smile, her eyes, her compassionate heart, her giving nature, her work to keep the family on track.  One thing.

Now here is the rest of the process.  Think about that one thing and thank God for it.  Ponder it and dwell on it…for a full 60 seconds.  Then go on with your day.  That’s it!

I challenge you to do this for the next 10 days.  One thing, 60 seconds.  Perhaps you could post a singe word or two to Facebook or Twitter.  Add the hastag #onething  Then when people ask you can explain what it means and why you are doing it by sending them to the One Thing post via this link: http://happierhusband.com/?p=113.

I am setting an appointment on my phone labeled “One Thing”.  It will go off the same time every day.  That’s my prompt.

Ready to feel the love again?  Ready to change every day by changing 60 seconds?  Take the One Thing Challenge with me!

-Troy