When you see something like the title of this article what comes to mind?  There are a lot of “laws” around.  Laws from government, laws of success, laws from the Bible, laws from science and many other sources.  But when the statement is “The 2nd Law” it narrows the field much more tightly.  For the tremendously geeky the 2nd Law of Robotics comes to mind.  Oh, if you know it without Googling or Binging I am (reasonably) impressed and not at all worried.  I’ve enjoyed my fair share of Asimov’s works.  🙂

Let’s take a look at the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics…because this is a blog about being a Happier Husband and it fits, right? One way of stating this law is “In an isolated system entropy always increases and never decreases because isolated systems always tend toward a state of thermodynamic equilibrium, which is maximum entropy.”

See?  You get it. Ok, blog over.  😉

Well, perhaps I should flesh this one out a bit.  Recently my lovely bride came across a post in social media.  The person asked a simple question in the middle of a long and serious post.  For the sake of clarity and brevity I’ll restate the question in my own words.  The question was this.

Are there truly happy marriages or do people who stay married just live with what they have out of duty or obligation?

Take a moment and ponder that.  Go back and re-read the question and think about it for a minute or two.  Do it now, I’ll wait.

If you are like me you have seen couples who stay married out of obligation.  Some because they were raised in a Christian home and don’t believe in divorce.  Some stay married so that the children will not have to deal with the pain of divorce (although too often these couples divorce as soon as the children are grown).  Some couples stay married simply due to inertia.  It’s too much effort to start a new life and so they remain together, basically roommates but without any love.

So very sad and I see it all the time.

Do you want to avoid the fate of a miserable marriage of obligation?  Do you want a truly happy marriage?  Then you have to deal with the problem of the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics.  Thought I forgot about that didn’t you?  No, and be glad that I didn’t as this is perhaps one of the most important factors in being a Happier Husband (or a Happier Wife for you ladies who snuck in here :-)).

Remember the first part of the Law.  “In an isolated system entropy always increases.”

Let’s break this down.  An isolated system is one in which there is no outside influence.  If you were to take your wife to small tropical island and the two of you lived there with no one else around, no books, no prayer, no TV, no Internet, etc. that would be a truly isolated system.  But for the sake of discussion even a normal marriage mimics an isolated system in many ways.  You DO spend a lot of time with just the two of you.

What about maximum entropy / thermodynamic equilibrium?  In non-technical terms this means that over time things eventually slow to a stop, cool down and fall apart.  Ah, NOW you are starting to see it.  A marriage will default to this sad state of cold emotionless suffering if it follows the 2nd Law.  Read this next sentence carefully.

All marriages follow the 2nd Law.

YAY!  Welcome to hopelessness!  Your marriage is doomed!  Doomed!  That was sarcasm if you didn’t get it.  But the truth is that all marriages DO have to deal with the 2nd Law.  But there IS hope.  Where is the hope?  It’s in the phrase “isolated system”.

An isolated system has no external input.  No energy or power is applied from the outside.  Here is the secret.  You must not allow your marriage to be an isolated system! 

Ok, I don’t mean that you should be bringing in all the advice from every person in your life who thinks they know more than you.  I am also not suggesting you talk to ANYONE of the opposite gender for consolation with your marriage issues.  That’s a recipe for potential disaster.

Here is the point.  Isolated systems don’t have power applied from the outside.  How do you keep your marriage from being an isolated system?

In a truly happy marriage there are large, grandiose gestures and events to celebrate the union.  A special vacation for just the two of you.  A wonderful anniversary party.  Attending a marriage class or marriage conference.  You can think of many others.  These are power applied to your marriage.  But these events, important as they may be, are not all that is required to make a truly happy marriage and will not maintain the level of power required.  Just like you can’t plug in a laptop or tablet computer into a power outlet one time and expect it to run forever you can’t have a big event every year or so and expect a happy marriage.  You have to plug in frequently.

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.” – Hebrews 10:24

Small gestures and habits, done every day, create the power necessary for a happy marriage.  Let’s cover a few examples:

1) Using kind and encouraging words.

2) Physical touch (hugs, kisses, holding hands, arms around each other, etc.)

3) Praying together.

4) Reading blogs, articles and books about improving marriage.

5) Serving one another.

Many more examples exist.  Here is my challenge to you.  Start using these (and other) ways to apply intentional power to your marriage.  Every day.  What day?  Every single day.

Go do it!

-Troy

It’s all you.  What you think, what you do, how you react.  When it comes down to it this whole marriage is all you.

How crazy is that?  If you’ve been in the church a long time you’ve seen the acronym for JOY, Jesus, Others, Yourself.  Which means Jesus is number one in our lives.  He should always have first place. Then we should regard the needs of others and serve them.  Finally we come up.  End of the line, last on the list.  The Lord Himself made it quite clear:

“But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant” – Mathew 20:26

See, you’re the servant.  You aren’t first, you’re last.  Congratulations on your demotion. In all relationships you are not the focus…but you carry the spotlight.

Years ago I was employed at a university.  Part of my job was to work at concerts and other events.  Projection, camera, riding the lift WAY up to hang cables and lights.  I got the lift job during set up almost every time.  Why?  I have no fear of heights.  Well, that’s not 100% true.  I have a minor (healthy) discomfort with heights, but it’s manageable.  Plus I just love the thrill of being up high doing my part.

During the events I was almost always in one of two places, running a camera or controlling a spotlight.  I wasn’t the star.  That would be Jacki Velasquez or Mark Lowry (yes I met them both and yes they are genuinely nice people).  Nope, I wasn’t the star…but without me the star didn’t shine.  My act of service was behind the scenes, but the results were apparent to everyone around.  Even though they didn’t know it was me.

What happens in your marriage is not all about you, but it may all hinge on you.  It only takes one person to destroy a relationship by bringing in the darkness of negativity.  You have the power to turn off the light.  It only takes one person to improve a relationship.  You want a better marriage?  Carry the spotlight.  Let it shine on your wife.  Turn the camera on and give her center stage.  Not the focus of the relationship, that’s the place of the Lord, but make sure you’re not trying to take the number 2 spot.

Let’s wrap this up.  Shining the spotlight on myself will only blind me to her needs.  Putting her in the light will give me the joy of serving her by seeing her needs more than my wants.  What is the result of putting her before you?

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full–pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” – Luke 6:38

One final thought.  You can’t do everything, but it takes just one person to improve a marriage…you.

Now go light up you marriage!

-Troy

Today marks the end of 10 days of family vacation.  In fact I am writing this post from a cottage not 1 mile from the eastern shore of Lake Michigan.  We grabbed our two adult children (18 and 20) along with their wonderful girlfriends and trekked many hours from home.  There were movie and game nights that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, the girls enjoyed experiences such as first time at Lake Michigan, first jet ski ride and many others.  Today we leave for home.

Family vacation has a reputation for being a time of high stress and personality conflicts.  When you pack a lot of people together for an extended period of time the masks will eventually come off and most of us will show our true selves.  This is what I like to call “The Telling Power of Sustained Proximity“.  There is nothing quite like 10 days traveling with those you love most and people you are just getting to know to bring out the real you.

I am not perfect.  I am susceptible to stress.  But how that plays out depends on one thing.  What is in my heart.

Some of the worst issues in relationships happen during times of high stress and can be caused by sustained proximity.  Why?  Because of the content of our hearts.

“But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.” – Matthew 15:18

You can only consistently, honestly and inwardly love your wife if your heart is pure towards her.  What does that mean?  Here are some signs of an impure heart:

• Harboring bitterness about a decision that she made was not your preference.
• Keeping track of things she has done wrong.
• Purposefully making plans that you know will be in contrast to what she wants.
• Waiting for her make a mistake then saying, “I told you so” even just to yourself.

If you ponder this list I am sure that more will come to mind.  Let’s turn it around.  How do you make your heart pure towards your wife?

• Pray for her, consistently.
• When a negative thought comes to mind in relation to her remind yourself of a specific thing you lover about her.
• Make an effort to try more things you know she likes.  Have an open mind and expect to enjoy the activity.  You get what you expect to get.
• Admit when you make a mistake…out loud.  Nothing reminds me of the fact that I am no better than anyone else than admitting when I blow it.

Superficial love is not love, it is a lie and will eventually be revealed as such.  True love comes from the heart and does not change, no matter the circumstances.

Now go love her – from the heart.

-Troy

Hey all!  Today is our first guest post at HappierHusband.com.  It seems you only get MY perspective on our marriage and lessons learned.  Get ready.  Coming at you now, the love of my life, Sally Stoneking.  Enjoy!

Enter Sally:

So your husband starts a blog about marriage and being a better husband. How would you feel about it? What do you think of it? I thought maybe some of you might be wondering about the other side of the story. I guess I will start from the beginning…

We met in college when I was almost 18 years old. He knew from the beginning that I was “the one.” I didn’t. Even though we had fun together and got along well, I kept letting different fears about the future and my own plans get in the way and broke off the relationship 7 times in the first year (I tell him that was his training period). Actually, he was a perfect gentleman from the start, and I wasn’t used to having someone open the car door for me every time I went to get in.  He was also a lot more outgoing person than I was (and he still is). The day came when I finally realized how much I loved being around him and very soon we were engaged and then married.

The first couple of years were great! We were still in college and living the married life. A little over two years later, we had a baby, and life got more complicated. A few months later, Troy graduated and took a full-time teaching job that was salaried and included a few evenings per week as well. Suddenly, we had a baby and not much time together. We went from being together most of every day to hardly seeing each other.

It got rough! Being alone with a baby most of my days, I became an emotional mess.  We had no family nearby and we mostly saw each other on weekends. Then we were introduced to the book “The Five Love Languages.” (From Troy – see The Book That Started It All for more information.) With baby #2 on the way, we started making time for each other. We joined a small group Bible study with a bunch of married friends from college. Troy got a different job that required only 40 hours per week and our quality time went back up. Making time for God and each other GREATLY improved our relationship!

(From Troy: In case you didn’t catch that, Sally’s primary love language is Quality Time. :-))

Just like most people, we have had ups and downs. We have both had days where we were irritable or exhausted. Thankfully, they weren’t always the same days, but sometimes they were. God taught us, though, that we need to respect and love each other no matter how we feel at the time. When we have a problem or one of us makes a mistake, we don’t blow up or start yelling at each other. That never solves problems, it only intensifies them. We try to be compassionate and show each other some grace and help in solving whatever situation or problem has come along, and there have been PLENTY. Sometimes we just need to let our spouse know we care about the issue they are dealing with regardless of whether or not we can help to change the situation.

The point is, life doesn’t always go how you planned and things are going to happen. You ARE going to have problems. How you choose to deal with them together is what is going to make your marriage stronger or weaker.  We are each responsible for how we react to situations, we shouldn’t just rely on the other person to make it better for us.

It took me a lot of years, but I finally have given things over to God. Every once in a while fear and worry starts to poke their heads in again, but I am quickly reminded by the books I read, the Bible, my husband or sermons I listen to online that fear and worry do me no good. I just have to PRAY! I recently heard somewhere that if you are having a rough time in your relationship, instead of praying for your spouse to change, pray for God to give THEM the desires of their heart. When you start becoming less selfish and more concerned about the other person’s well-being and happiness, you will begin to be happier as well. Definitely check out the book, “The Five Love Languages” and apply what you read, you will notice a significant improvement.

So how do I feel about my husband writing a blog? I feel proud of him for doing something to make a difference! He is passionate about helping other people be successful in marriage and I support him in this 100%. I think he is following the path that God has laid out for him.

-Sally

From Troy: Please let us know in the comments about your thoughts in relation to Sally’s post.  I am incredibly proud of her for what she has written.  It was unprompted by me and I’m SO glad she took the initiative.  Love the post and love her!  🙂

I hesitated a little in thinking about writing this topic.  I did.  In fact this blog post has been typed up and pretty much ready to go for several weeks.  Far too many people I know and love (including my own parents) have gone through the challenge of a divorce.  But I think it needs to be stated.

Here is the simple reason why “Christian” couples get divorced.  One or both parties is not truly following Christ.

Now I sit waiting for all of the negative comments from the folks who were so offended by my statement that they stopped reading at that point.

Let’s hit some major reasons people (including Christian) give for divorce:

• “We just grew apart.” – Yeah.  That one.  Sorry, but people following Christ in a marriage grow closer together, not further apart.  As previously noted on this blog, according to a study quoted by Andy Stanley, “the divorce rate in couples who regularly pray out loud together is reported to be less than 1 in 10,000.”  There is truth in the statement that the couple that prays together stays together.  Intentionality is the key.  Check out 22 Years of Failure.
  
  
• “He (or she) cheated on me!” – Ok.  This is the one that Jesus gives as allowing for divorce.  But even in this incredibly painful and trust destroying situation divorce should not be the first thought.  The first thought should be forgiveness.  Forgiveness first and if the spouse is repentant and seeking to change then accept them back with love.  From 1 Corinthians 13: 4-6 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  This passage should not only be for our weddings, but more importantly for our darkest days. 
• “We just don’t love each other anymore.” – This is perhaps the most insidious of the lot.  It’s also manifested as “I just don’t feel that way about her (or him) anymore.”  I have news for folks in this boat.  If you think love is a feeling then you might want to check out Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages (see The Book That Started It All).  Because the feeling often assumed to be love is either lust or limerance.  Limerance is period of time right after you meet a new person when you temporarily lose your mind.  Hollywood makes a lot of money in romantic comedies peddling this off as “love”.  Don’t believe it.  Love is a choice.  You choose to love your spouse, whether you feel like it or not.  Feelings follow action.  If you take action to love your spouse then you will feel love.  I promise.  Another scripture, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).  God gave His one and only Son.  He chose to love us.

• “He (or she) has this habit, mannerism, etc. that I just can not stand!” – Listen, someone has to be the mature one here.  If their habit annoys you then the problem isn’t them…I’m just saying.  Here is something from the apostle Paul, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)  I have several weird, stupid habits.  My lovely bride either graciously ignores them OR (and this is true love :-)) helps me with them.  Cup. In front of the microwave.  All the time.

If both parties are truly following Christ then the odds of a divorce are slim to none.  One more quote based on real life couples and statistics.  In her book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages author Shaunti Feldhahan notes the following, “Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness.”

There ya go.  Hope you aren’t too angry with me.  🙂

-Troy

We often hear the term “quality time”.  Commonly understood quality time is when I am with my spouse, doing some type of activity that we enjoy and draws us closer together.  This could be sitting and having a conversation, taking a long walk together, playing a game we enjoy, traveling to a favorite destination or any other of a long list of mutually enjoyable options.

But what if “quality time” were also used for self improvement?  We’ve talked about improving our marriages through books and mentoring. But what about the physical side  Like it or not, for many of us we just feel lousy.  We lack energy, we don’t like our bodies, and the temptation is to just come home and sit.  But we can do better.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17

Everyone recognizes the impact of the mind and attitude to our marriages.  Can I suggest the health of our bodies is a factor as well?  If it is a challenge to just get through the day because we haven’t properly taken care of our bodies then how can we have the fortitude to be the best for our spouse?

The health of your body can have a direct impact on your attitude.

Let me be perfectly clear.  It is absolutely possible to have a chronic health condition, such as a degenerative disease, and through the grace and power of God have a great attitude.  In fact we have a friend with multiple sclerosis and her attitude is incredible!  But as much as it is under your control you should be in the best possible health.  Let me give you some reasons why this is important:

1) You’ll feel better and therefore enjoy life more.

2) You’ll be able to try new things that you could not do before.

3) You and your spouse will find more quality time activities that also make you both healthier.

4) You’ll have longer life to enjoy with your spouse, children, grandchildren, etc.

5) God commanded it.

Wait?  What?  God commanded me to be in better health?  Yes.  Here are words of Jesus.

 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” – Luke 10:27

“With all your strength.”  We often overlook that, but our “strength” is not just mental willpower, it is physical.  If we are to be the hands and feet of Christ, part of His body, then we need to make our bodies healthy.  If there is something that I am doing (overeating, being too sedentary) that limits my ability to serve God then I need to change that.  Here is another:

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? – 1 Corinthians 6:19

If our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit we need to care of them.  You would not just fill your church sanctuary with garbage and never make an effort to clean it.  Why therefore is is normal for us to eat junk food and not exercise?

Let me make two practical recommendations:

1) Make a plan and commitment together to start eating healthier.  I will not suggest a specific method, but Sally and I have done so for the past several years and it has made a HUGE difference for our health in many ways.  If you want specific details then feel free to contact me directly.

2) Start exercising regularly together.  I love spending time with my amazing bride and over the past couple of years one of our favorite “quality time” activities has become working out at the gym as a couple.  It’s cheap, we are getting in better shape, and we can encourage each other.  Again if you’d like recommendations just let me know.

Now go out there and get moving with your spouse!

-Troy

I am bad at DIY (do it yourself) work. Really bad. Here is the mathematical explanation:

Small leak + one hour of my effort = Noah’s Flood.

The Lord gave me relationship and technology skills…but not handyman capabilities.  Tim Taylor would kick me out of the man club with a significant grunt.

In response I have developed a severe hatred for all home improvement (pun intended) type projects. Hatred. Severe. Like Lex Luthor hates Superman or Gargamel hates Papa Smurf. Arch enemies…me and DIY.

You know what my wonderful wife loves?  Painting. Not the Andy Warhol or Leonardo DaVinci type stuff…painting rooms in our house. I don’t. At all. It’s DIY. I hate it. Clear  I’d rather run three Warrior Dash races in a row than paint a room. (Perhaps that’s not a good example…because running a Warrior Dash is AWESOME!)

Recently we’ve determined we need to do some fixing up of our home. You know what that includes?  Care to guess?  Yep. Painting rooms.

You know what I did?  Volunteered to help. Sally’s response?  Verbatim: “But you hate painting.”  Truer words were never spoken.

So why did I volunteer?  Simple.

Sometimes you need to do what you hate to serve the one that you love. 

Don’t miss this. Serving your wife has less to do with the action itself than the willingness to do it. The mere act of volunteering is a demonstration of humility and self denial.

One last point. When I volunteered I was VERY careful to do so sincerely. Begrudgingly serving is worse than not serving at all. We must serve with an attitude of love and grace.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” -Galatians 5:13

Oh, FYI she let me paint one side of one door. Apparently even though I was willing to serve she wasn’t willing to let me mess up the whole job. Fair enough.

Tell me in the comments how you are going out there to serve your wife in love!

-Troy

I love to share our real life experiences (check out “Recent Posts” to the right for more) and today is no different. However we are going to take this WAY back. Back to when hair and Kenny G were still big. (Ok, Kenny G is still kinda big.). This was the mid 90s…the time of Titanic and Twister (the movie, not the colored dot game) and Apollo 13.

One of the most common questions couples, both married and engaged, want to know is this; what makes some marriages succeed and others fail?

Of course the first and best answer is to center your personal lives and marriage on God and His Word. God can trump all ills and difficulties, trials and temptations. After God for us there was one book. One book that took us from a challenging marriage in a very iffy time to an amazing marriage that still ROCKS after 23+ years.

When we had been married only a few years we found this book and knew that it was of God.  That was 1995…and things have never been the same for us.

If you read only ONE book this summer (after the Bible) this needs to be it. Everything changed for us when we read this book and applied the crazy simple principles. So easy and so profound. If you want what we have then do what we did. Grab this book and devour it!  Spend time in it. We’ve taught many couples (and one single guy…a different story) in classes with this book. We even wrote discussion questions for each chapter. It’s THAT good!

Are you ready?  The book is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Ok.  I know you’ve seen every possible ‘Five Love Languages’ iteration in your local Christian book store. It’s not as diverse as the ‘Chicken Soup’ series, but it’s still all over the place.

I am specifically talking about the first of all of them, succinctly titled “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.”  The original editon was titled “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.”

You may even have this tucked on a shelf somewhere, given as a wedding gift. Let me be 100% clear on this recommendation.

Reading this book, determining your spouse’s and your love languages is critical to understanding each other. Just as important, learning to speak her love language is crucial to long term happiness.

When I discovered that Sally was a high “quality time” person and she found out I was “words of affirmation” it changed our whole dynamic. Time together suddenly became my goal and passion.  She strongly focused on speaking powerful words to me. Guess what?  Well, if you are reading this blog you don’t need to guess. We have an UNBELIEVABLE relationship!

One book. Buy it and apply it. Do it today.

PS: If you’d like a copy of the study questions we developed I may be able to make that happen. But only if you commit to reading the book AND applying it to your lives. I promise you will be glad you did!

Ready to change your marriage?  Tell me in the comments when you are starting the book together.

Go learn a new love language!

-Troy

My lovely wife and I have often found ourselves on long trips together, driving to various destinations. A habit we established some time ago was working through a book on the ride. We would purchase a book, usually something related to spiritual or personal growth, and she would read as we travelled.

I found two unrelated but wonderful benefits to this practice. The first is obvious, we both learned and grew as we heard and applied the principles in the books. The second was subtle and unexpected, but no less profound.

I fell in love all over again.

The sound of her voice, which I had taken for granted, became very precious to me. The pitch, cadence, and beauty of her pronunciation captured my heart in a way they never had before. She would ask at times, if I wanted her to stop, and my answer, as I smiled, was always, “No, and thank you for reading to me.”

Men, I implore you, listen to your wife, not only the words but the sweetenes of the voice the Lord has given to her. When she does not notice marvel over the curve of her cheek, the small half smile when she is happy, the kindness of her eyes, the giggle of the little girl that is always just under the surface.  Stare in wonder that our Father has placed this person of poise and grace in your life.  Do not let the frenetic pace with which you go through each day keep you from missing the beauty that walks by your side.

Thank your Father for the gift that is marriage and the love shared uniquely between an amazing woman and you, her blessed husband.

Take the time to fall in love all over again.

-Troy